SATIRE - By PreOccupied Territory
Geneva, July 23 – The ongoing conflict in and around the Gaza Strip has prompted a dozen prominent nations to send delegates to Geneva to formulate special amendments to existing laws of war, since the current body of law does not sufficiently hamper Israel in defending itself.
Representatives of France, Britain, Germany, The United States, Russia, China, Japan, and other countries will spend the next ten days making changes to the restrictions on the conduct of war as they now stand, adding dozens of provisions that further constrain the permitted activities of armed forces, and that apply only to Israel.
The rising death toll from the most recent round of violence, especially among Palestinians, has given the nations involved a greater sense of urgency than previously felt. The lopsided figures of Israeli vs. Palestinian casualties, either civilian or combatant, only strengthen the need to tie Israel’s hands and allow more Israelis to be killed, says US Ambassador to the UN Samantha Power.
“The laws of war as currently conceived do a fair job of dictating when civilians may be subjected to harm,” she explained. “But Israel has abided, by and large, by those laws and still made military achievements, a situation the international community finds unacceptable.” As result, says Power, the nations will approve a series of amendments to modify the restrictions placed on Israel specifically.
Among the provisions, says Belgian representative Mort Dedjiws, are several aimed at giving Israel’s foes parity in certain capabilities. “For example, Israel will be required, prior to engaging in any use of force, to provide the opponent with the equivalent weapons system,” he said. “And if there is a defensive capability that Israel possesses the enemy lacks, Israel will be barred from deploying that system.”
Other restrictions include a new requirement upon Israel to alert all targets, in writing, of an impending strike at least thirty days in advance. Notice must be sent through registered mail, with the thirty days commencing only upon confirmation of receipt. Further, airstrikes may only be conducted by paper airplane, and infantry will be required to ask politely three times before receiving the enemy’s permission to fire. If no permission is granted, the IDF will be required to abort the mission.
A new regulation proposed by Britain will have attached to every IDF ground battalion at least four anti-Israel journalists, with a stipulation that two of those four be provided by the British Broadcasting Corporation. “The BBC remains one of the world’s leading sources of news and analysis, but the organization does not have enough constant assignments for all the anti-Israel journalists on its payroll,” said British envoy Sir Huffington Post. “This provision will go a long way to solving both problems. It’s a win-win situation.”
“Well, for almost everyone,” he added with a sly grin.
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