ETHNIC GERMANS DEMAND THE USA PARTITION TO HAVE ANOTHER HOMELAND OF THEIR OWN - SATIRE

Satire by Eve Zwgstkstwig
April First Daily Blog

I was heading out to walk my dog the other day when I met my next door neighbor Adolf shoveling snow.  He was sweating and grumbling to himself, but his face brightened when he saw me.

I have great news to tell you, he said.  Do you have a minute?

Well certainly, I replied, although Daisy was pulling at her leash impatient to get moving.

I have been thinking, said Adolf, leaning on his shovel.  I was at the club the other day and I said to the guys, Why shouldn't we, Americans of German descent, have a homeland of our own here in America?  Now, wait, don't look so shocked.  I have perfectly good arguments solidly backed by American policy and the president's statements.

 

Look, he said, we were a majority when the United States of America gained its independence.  There were so many of  us, in fact, that the Fathers of this nation even considered making German our official language.  We lost that chance, sure, but not our right to demand a country of our own, particularly now that those Mexicans want to take over everything.

 

What makes you think you'd be taken seriously? I asked, out of politeness to show some interest.

 

Lots, he said.  My pals and I have looked for recent precedents and there are oodles of them.  The Crimeans, the South Sudanese, to name just two. The Quebecois are itchy to part company with Canada. 

 

And then there are the Palestinians, he added with emphasis.  A major example.  They arrived in the area centuries ago with invaders from the Arabian peninsula, and that puts them right on a parallel situation with us.  We too arrived with a horde of invaders, and by right or might, we stayed and now this is the United States of America, and not the Aboriginal Union or any other nonsense like that.

 

Well, that's true, I admitted.  The original inhabitants just had to retreat and accept our mightier modes of persuasion.

 

Exactly!

 

But they eventually signed peace treaties, didn't they? 

 

Those treaties were all crooked, said Adolf.  The truth is that the Indians never had a chance.

 

So what does this have to do with a German homeland, Adolf? I asked.

 

Simple:  we are a people, with our own language and ethnic origin.  Our own delicate cuisine.  Our own culture.  Don't you agree? 

 

Well, yes, I...

 

Exactly.  So we demand a homeland in America.  We demand partition.

 

But you already have other German speaking countries with a German population, like Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Luxemburg, Austria, and Germany itself.  Isn't that enough?

 

Absolutely not!  Take the Arabs. They have 22 countries.  Huge countries.  We're not talking about something the size of Luxemburg over there.  But if they're determined to demand a 23rd country, why not?  They have the numbers and friends in high places, don't they?  The fact that we German-Americans have other countries has absolutely nothing to do with our right to demand another homeland. 

 

And when you think about it, said Adolf with a little smile, the UN has a majority that hate the United States and would love to certify us as an independent country carved out of the old USA.  You think that it's only Israel that's unpopular?  Hah! The US runs a close second in unpopularity rating.  We're worse than North Korea, in their estimation.

 

By this time Daisy was barking desperately to get on with her stroll on the snow.  So many trees to sniff. 

 

And look - said Adolf, with a satisfied look on his face - the whole world agrees with the idea of partitioning Israel to make room for another Arab country.  The president has made it his top priority to achieve that partition before the end of his administration.  Even the Israeli prime minister talks about "two states for two peoples", the poor fellow.  Who knows what they've done to him to make him say that.  Anyway, hardly anyone disagrees with partition except those wild-eyed extremists who think that history and international law have any value.  And who listens to them, anyway.  That's what Arab persistence and a little terror on the side can achieve, added Adolf with a glint in his eyes. 

 

I didn't like the turn this conversation was taking, so I asked, What's wrong with being an American, Adolf?  Don't you like it? 

 

I told you already - said Adolf, raising his voice -  what with all those Mexicans and Africans and all those other kinds in here ...  We need to rule ourselves.  As far as I am concerned we - the original German population of the country - are being occupied by Anglos, Hispanics, Afro-Americans, Indians, Chinese,  Italians,  and every ethnicity that can walk, fly, or sail into this country.    It's OCCUPATION! - Adolf shouted excitedly.

 

Daisy started to bark at Adolf while Adolf grabbed his shovel and seemed ready to start his revolution.  I rushed over to the park as fast as the crunching snow allowed me to. 

 

I only looked back once, and saw a German flag hanging listlessly from Adolf's balcony.

Copyright - Eve Zwgstkstwig

Source - http://aprilfirstdaily.blogspot.ca/2014/03/why-not-german-homeland-in-north-of.html

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